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I feel as if this topic is a whole blog unto itself.  Anger.  Growing up with an “RA Mom” and then having it myself I feel as if I’m an absolute “expert” when it comes to a topic that I don’t think has enough exposure.  Sure, being diagnosed with a degenerative disease that causes almost daily complications ranging from pain, limitations, the side effects of meds, the regret of not doing something right with your health way back when….as if that would make a difference – getting RA is all in the genes, right?  Well, let’s face it: for the most part, RA flat out sucks for the sufferer.  But what about the immediate circle of support and/or the dependents of the sufferer?  Sometimes, it might suck more.

Take my family for example.  From the outside we appear to have a pretty cozy life.  My parents have been married forty years this July.  My two younger sisters seem happy.  The middle sis, “the super mom”, married her high school sweetheart.  They live what appears to be in domestic bliss with their two and a half year old daughter.  My youngest sis, “the urban chick”, lives with her long-time boyfriend in the city and works an exciting job downtown.  We rarely see her because the idea of coming to the suburbs bores her, but she confesses that coming home (home where she grew up in the house my parents built and still live in) is simply too hard because it is a sad place.  My Dad, at 63 years old, still has to drag himself to a tough, competitive, and ever-less-lucrative sales job each day.  He hopes and prays that he will make it another three years because he needs to keep the firm’s health insurance since even one year without company health care would bankrupt his hard-earned retirement account.  I believe it is the imbalance my sisters and I perceive in the mom-dad dynamic that is the beginning of some of our anger.

My mom was diagnosed just after my youngest sister’s birth.  She was a big, big baby and missed her due date by a week or so because she was so content hanging out in the womb.  My mom’s first rheumatologist theorized that the stress of that pregnancy kicked off my mom’s RA.  My mom contends that she had “issues” that she claims were symptoms from earlier than that.  Whatever the case, I was in third grade, the future “super mom” was in pre-school, and the “urban chick” was a newborn.  Any parent could certainly attest to the handful that age spread represents.  We were that typical Midwestern suburban household: dog, yard of green grass, two-story house, two cars (one a station wagon), and attended church as a family (even though we had to be dragged there kicking and screaming).  My world, without a doubt, was perfectly cozy.  I was also nine years old, so what should I really know of struggle at such a tender, young age?  Then, when I was still so young that a thunder-storm had me grabbing a blanket and a teddy bear to sleep on the hallway floor outside my parents’ bedroom, my Mom “went away.”  I later found out that she had a mental breakdown.  The pressure of not “feeling well” collided with all of the postpartum issues that she had with the first two babies, and she had to be hospitalized.  She had become dysfunctional.  My Dad brought up his parents, and for a while, things were cozy again despite our not having mom around.

My mom’s health continued to deteriorate in 1983.  The doctors didn’t know what was physically wrong with her.  She began the lifestyle she continues today: a wide array of doctor’s appointments each week, daily mega-doses of medications, daytime sleeping, nighttime restlessness, constant veil of sadness-frustration-anger drawn over fogged up eyes, a move away from her faith, and the way too much information provided to her circle of friends’ simple greetings, “how are you?”  Even as a little kid I could see the way her friends really didn’t expect her highly detailed answer to such a simple question that only needed a “fine.”  My mom, somehow unaware of the negative Debbie-downer factor of rambling off how terrible everything was, what specialist she was seeing next, the amount of pills she takes, the way that she has to wear the latest immobilizer, sling, boot – whatever….the answer that no one, even a good friend, really wants to hear on a Sunday morning after a nice mass with a positive message being so quickly obliterated by this Vicodin vampire of personal suffering….well, my mom had a way of always “going there.”  Thus began our (and I speak on behalf of my two sisters, although, my being the oldest, meant that I was the most aware of it) anger.  It wasn’t long after my mom’s diagnosis and subsequent slide into medical misery that family friends suggested my middle sis and I get family counseling.  Why in the world would a 9-10 year old and 6-7 year old need to hit the couch?  Why?  Because we began “acting out”.

I’ve studied a little child psych, as part of my education course work.  I can tell you that a lot of “milestone” parts of a healthy childhood were compromised.  In all, I’ve probably spent as much time “on the couch” with various psychologists, psychiatrists, therapists, counselors, and social workers as I’ve spent conquering four years of college classes.  I was bounced around because I was: intense, depressed, angry, withdrawn, aggressive, and lacking healthy peer relation skills.  I’m not sure how someone who only saw me sitting on the couch got these opinions since they didn’t see me at school (where I was HAPPY to be) and they didn’t hear it from me because I didn’t talk, or when I did, I talked in deliberate circles…mostly out of spite for having to be there as a kid.  Later, when I was paying for the therapy to clean up the therapy that did nothing for me as kid, this attitude was different.

By the way I’ve just typed a little over 1,000 words and my hands are killing me.  But I’ll power on…..
If you are still reading along, let me now mention that this will not go too much longer.  I like to keep things “digestible” and this post is already getting too long.

So, the first effect of my mom’s RA was to introduce anger, frustration, and sadness into our family’s world.  This was in no way, her fault.  She didn’t wake up and say, “Screw this, I’m going to shake it up.” She slipped, very quickly, into a medical existence that made being a mom something that was a part-time job for her.  She showed up when she could, which wasn’t often.  When she did, forget that I just sang a solo…all the attention was on her with the crutch and my friends’ parents asking “what happened?” or “how are you?” and my mom lurching into the long-winded, depressing, negative accounts of her woes.  As a kid, I was embarrassed, jealous, resentful.  As I kid I saw that my mom was sick, had been gone in a hospital where we didn’t have to deal with all the turmoil – the doctors and nurses did; yet, later she was still sick so why were we now burdened by it?  My dad worked longer and harder to pay the bills.  Vacations were fewer and farther between.  My friends went places; we didn’t.  My friends parents were fun to be around; mine was off-putting.  My friends….and so the obvious comparisons ensued and I was an angry kid.  I was not angry at RA; I was angry at my mom who had become her RA.

Shortly after she was, in all reality, an invalid, my dad arranged for a Swedish au pair.  We were under the care of a complete, although nice, stranger.  It is also at this point that my memory fades.  I have been told that because I was so angry, sad, and frustrated that I was unable to allow my brain to function in laying down memory.  I simply recognize this fuzziness as some sort of psychological-wound-dash-coping-mechanism.  I can tell, looking at pictures, that I continued to function.  I played soccer, tennis, and did swimming.  I was a solid student and cared about doing well in school.  I had friends.  I participated in activities.  I was just a not-too-nice big sister.  I wanted my alone time, withdrawing into my own world of reading, writing, and daydreaming.  Tensions between my mom and me were huge and we would have explosive fights.  She, being heavily dosed, would sometimes say some pretty horrible things to me.  I would get grounded to my room.  Since I was so much in the role of adversary, my sis took up the role of ally.  The future “super mom” would mother my youngest sister and tend to my mom who would be crashed out on the sofa.  The Swedish au pair washed our laundry, ran errands to get groceries, and whipped up an ever-original batch of casseroles.  My dad would come home late from work, exhausted, and be swept up into the conversations of what next complicated medical tests and procedures my mom needed to pursue based on some specialist’s suggestion or new complication.

This is how I remember it.  My youngest sister doesn’t remember any of this…she is lucky.  She didn’t have to essentially “mourn the death” of her once healthy, happy, active, and beautiful mom.  The mom of my very early childhood “died” in the mid-80’s.  The woman who still retains that title to this day has never once re-captured the essence of who she used to be.  This “RA Mommy” is something entirely different from the woman my dad married, the woman who gave birth to my sisters and me, to the daughter she was to her distant parents, to the sister she was to my now deceased aunt.  She became the disease.  Once RA figured out the power of its possession, it then invited other friends to join it in my mom’s body…and soon the medical misfits of Osteoporosis, Fibromyalgia, Degenerative Discs, skin disorders, vision and hearing problems, muscle strains and sprains….all took hold too.  With this came the additional and more frequent bouts of mental woes.  Our family suffered.  How could we not?

I know that each and every case of RA is different.  Prior to my diagnosis in 2008 (not a fun day as I recall it), I had traveled the world and seen third world countries’ definitions of “suffering”.  I had practiced meditation and read up on Buddhism’s principles of “suffering”.  I had spent a lot of adult time and my own money in therapy trying to resolve some of the anger that I was still carrying from my childhood “suffering”.

I am always consciously aware that I don’t “suffer” from RA.  I have RA.  I have job, blonde hair, ten fingers and ten toes, and a Jeep.  These are facts….these things are not me.  Being an English teacher, I am very aware of the connotation of words.  I chose these and the words that define me very carefully.  At 1,851 words for this entry now my hands ache.  They would still ache if I wasn’t typing.  I can elect to notice this or not and to give it power over me or not.  I can stop thinking about it as easily as I start to think about what to get my dad for Father’s Day….something of a holy day in our family… a day to honor our saintly father, who has sacrificed so so so much for his family.

I think that I’ve written enough for now.  There is more to be told of this topic.  Other RA-diagnosed people deal with their circumstances differently.  Some hold meds, like me; some medicate but have different “cocktails” of meds that produce widely different results.  Yet, the one thing that might be the same across the board, is that the parents, husbands, wives, daughters, sons, aunts, uncles, co-workers, tennis partners, life-long confidants, book club circles are affected too…RA touches their worlds.  “How are things?” becomes a loaded question and feeling helpless to do much for this person with the hot, swollen joints introduces something awkward into the relationship.  For me, it was mostly anger.  For others, it could be a vast array of other emotions….but emotions that might not otherwise be there because of RA’s complications are now there.  Anyone who knows someone who has this disease, then at some level, knows this.  RA is not merely about those who have it, but those who are bonded to those who have it too.  This is a truth.  This is the focus of my next few posts.

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Hello reader (or hopefully readers):

I apologize for the long absence.  I’ve been a busy school teacher/tennis coach.  School has ended which means I will be back blogging.  I have a lot of stuff to cover.

1. I’ve been holding my meds for over a year now and seem to be okay.

2. I’m having gastric bypass in a month and I’m freaking out.

3. I’m going to update the whole mom story soon.  Remember she was diagnosed with R.A. in 1983.

4. I am going to explore the effects of Eastern medicine on treating chronic pain.

5. I have some funny, funny stories about me and my arthritis gloves at school.

Anyway, I will be back.  It is my goal to be a loquacious blogger this summer.  I have much, much, much to share!

Thanks!

So my week of spa treatments continues…

Thermojet.  This is an infrared body wrap system that is supposed to “melt” body fat.  I can’t say whether or not I’m a believer, but the heat does feel really good on my sore back and my crazy sore legs.  The process involves wrapping the core and the thighs in these silicon pads that then deliver infrared heat deep into the tissue.  The elevated temperature is supposed to cause a metabolic process whereby your fat cells react by shrinking.  I’ve looked on the Thermojet website and I think that if it was such an easy fix that more people would be using it.  I’m currently paying $75 per treatment and I’ve had 2.  I took my measurements at the beginning of my week and can say that there is some truth in the dropping of inches…that is the biggest claim – drop inches (I don’t know how that equates to pounds).  I’ve lost 1″ from bust, waist, hips, and thighs.  Of course, I sweat like crazy so maybe it is water weight.  I think I’ll know better with a few more wraps.  The positive benefits of heat, drinking more water, and spending 45 minutes just chilling out are certainly part of this treatment.

Reiki.  I will be having my 2nd Reiki treatment soon.  Although, again, there are a lot of skeptics that would say this is a bunch of hooey, I can’t help but think that there is something to be explored here.  Reiki is not a massage – as I thought it was.  Reiki involves a therapist using hand positions above the client’s body at points along the Chakras.  As the therapist (healer) does this, they sense and treat the Chi as it relates to that particular chakra.  After my experiences with acupuncture, this is strikingly similar.  You don’t need to undress for this treatment.  It lasts an hour and the therapist provided me with some interesting feedback following the session.  I didn’t provide her with anything more than a basic answer to a question before we started.  She asked me, “what do you want to achieve with this session?”  I said, “I’m not really sure.  I have physical ailments, which I imagine a lot of people do too.  I guess I’m just willing to see what you think.”  She seemed fine with that and then told me what she was going to do with putting her hands above the different places of my body.  She said that she often has people fall asleep and that is fine.  She also said some people claim they feel strange: lightweight, deeply relaxed, or warm.  She also said that clients have heard a humming sound or have seen lights.  So following the prep, I laid back and closed my eyes.  At first I had a bunch of racing thoughts.  I was thinking about how I could try to focus on random stuff so that I wasn’t falling under the power of suggestion.  I started to think about how much this was going to cost.  I thought about other things I had spent money on and then worried about money a little.  Then I thought about my grandma being sick and how she must feel alone.  I thought that I should be a better granddaughter.  I thought about how much stuff I need to do and started making lists in my head.  All of this thinking sped through my mind until I felt a pulling sensation in my jaw.  It felt like an ache – as if I had just worked really hard of chewing old gum.  So I thought about whether or not I had noticed that feeling at all and if that was from the healer’s hands being above my head.  Right as I was feeling that, she moved her hands to my ears.  Her hands did feel warm and once she switch to my ears my jaw didn’t feel like anything anymore.  Then I was just thinking about the warmth on my ears and how it felt good.  She stayed there a while and then moved to my eyes.  Again, her hands were warm.  At this point I just checked out.  That is, I started to feel very floaty – as if I could snap out of my body if I wanted to.  Then I thought that I could feel a massaging sensation, but not physically.  It was as if I could sense her cradling the energy and it was just held there above my physical body.  Now, at this point, I started to doubt myself.  I thought, “oh dang, I’m making this up and maybe I am asleep and just dreaming this.”  There was some drilling and hammering going on nearby and I felt my concentration wander to those sounds.  However, that warm, massaging, vibrating sensation continued.  Then I had some thoughts about how I’ve felt vertigo when I’ve meditated in the past.  I thought that is was strange how I wasn’t feeling that now.  I felt grounded and safe.  Also, with acupuncture, I could remember feeling so cold – sometimes so cold that I was physically shivering.  With this, I was warm and content.  The therapist’s last hand position was just below my feet.  It felt like something was draining from me.  I’m not sure if that was power of suggestion or not.  I kind of imagined that this floating feeling settled back into my body on the table and then that the bottoms of my heels were like the drains of a bathtub and that the plug had been pulled and the water was slowly and gently emptying.

When the therapist told me to open my eyes I felt extremely calm.  I just remained still.  I’ll try to recapture what she said.  She stood by the side of the table and said, “well that was very interesting.”  It didn’t look like she was searching to make anything up.  She continued, “I think that you just wanted to achieve calm and peace.  When I put my hands by your throat the angels told me that you have a beautiful voice.  That means that it isn’t just like singing, it is that what you say is beautiful and that you should keep sharing your words because they are good.  Your heart charkra, gave me an impression.  I saw an old man in glasses and dressed to go fishing.  Does that mean anything?”  I said no.  “Hmmmm, well he means something to me.  He reminds me of a person who was always, ‘me, me, me.’  When you are in a relationship it is supposed to be fifty fifty.  This man that I know was not like that, he was mean.  Yes, he represents a mean man.  Maybe it is like that for your heart.  You had someone who was ‘me, me, me’ and it hurt you.  That is just the impression I get.  I also tried to ask for more information, I wanted the angels to show me a clearer picture and they said, ‘no. that we are too connected to have anything more revealed.’  Sometimes we come across people that we might have been connected to in previous lives or in some other sense of energy.  I just don’t know.  When I was over your solar plexus, here-”  She gestured to my upper abs.  ” -well, I’ve never sensed so much strength.  You are a very, very strong person.  You have so much strength – you don’t even know.  You only see like this-” she gestured a waving motion up and down infront of her.  ” -you don’t see how beautiful you are inside.  You are very wonderful and the angels said that you need to try and see the miracles that are right infront of your nose.  Your strength is yellow energy, golden.  You can trust that you are on the right path and that you should follow it.”  I said, I don’t even know what path I’m on.  She replied, “you don’t need to know.  Just trust that you are on it.  When I was here-” she gestured to an area on my lower abs about even with my hips. ” -I sensed a lot of creativity.  I also saw a lot of orange.  But, yes, much creativity.  You are also very smart, and this is a gift.”  I don’t remember what she said until the last past with my feet.  “I usually try to see people are birds or trees.  With you, I saw a huge tree – huge.  Again, this tree is strong.  But the roots do not run down deep.  It is like the roots are spreading wide to try and explore everything all around, like popping up to see, ‘what is this about?  what is over there?’  You are only a little grounded and need to work on that.  It isn’t about knowing more, but about trusting and feeling like the steps you take here on earth are safe and solid.  With you, I want to get your roots deeper into the earth.  I also got a vision of you in Scotland or Ireland.  You were in a place that was very old, very peaceful, and very green.  Does this mean anything?”  I said that I didn’t think so.  I’m not Scottish or Irish.  “Hmmm, well I saw you in this place and you were very happy.”  Honestly, as she mentioned this my mind went to the most recent film of “Pride & Prejudice” where Kiera Knightly is poised at the edge of a rocky precipice in England.  She stands as this strong, independent female as the wind whips through her dress.  She is beautiful and strong and very inspirational in this shot.  It is one of my favorite scenes ever, and I own the film and always get goose bumps when I watch that shot.  In that shot, she makes being alone a symbol of strength.  It is funny that I thought of that so vividly.  I told her about the different sensations that I felt and that as much as I didn’t want to think I was feeling anything that I can’t deny that I did.  She said that sometimes people are in tune with that energy and that is probably the case here.  She said I need to drink a lot of water so that I could continue to allow the treatment to have an effect.  And that was it.  The rest of the weekend included a lot of what would have been stressful stuff, but I rode out those events with a calm, gracious, and patient attitude.  It was actually very out of character for me.  And, more importantly, where I had the opportunity to be a good granddaughter, I was.  That is too coincidental for me not to mention.

Monday morning I saw my doctor.  He reviewed my bloodwork and my thyroid is barely functioning.  I guess that explains a lot: being so tired, being achy, my crazy menstrual cycle.  So I have a follow up on in a bit and I really hope that I start getting my energy up and my mind in gear for the start of the school year.

Tuesday was spa day, again.  I used another gift card to get a manicure and a pedicure at the Coldwater Creek Spa.  Oh my goodness was that a nice treat.  My feet haven’t looked so cute in a long, long time.  The nail tech was super nice and tucked me into this awesome reclining chair.  The pedicure was heavenly.  It felt so good to have warm, soft feet.  The different creams and lotions smelled so good.  After the pedicure, I had my hands done.  The result is that I do feel prettier.  I didn’t purchase any product since I simply wanted to use the gift card and not spend any money (except for the tip, of course).  This would have been an expensive day had it been my money.  I know that I can’t afford to keep up the nice toes, so I find myself just looking at them a lot and liking the shiny, pink polish.

Today I spoke with a specialist in Ayurvedic Yoga massage.  It combined deep breathing, yoga poses, stretching, and massage.  I am going to meet with her in person soon and see what treatments she might suggest.  Although since might seem over the top, remember I am searching for Eastern-influenced and based methods to combat my R.A. and to make progress toward a healthier lifestyle.  The yoga piece seems to be really important as I know that it is used with seniors to promote joint health.  I’m not a senior, but my yoga ability level is.  I’m excited to try doing yoga again since, from what I remember, I loved how good doing yoga felt.  I need to try my best to leave my frustration at the door.  I’m too out of shape now to hold a pose for long, and just like working out in the mornings, I get mad at myself for allowing such a drastic backslide.  So, now I need to clean.  My back is feeling better and I have neglected housework for far too long.

John Clease played a funny peasant in Monty Python’s Holy Grail.  In a scene where the townspeople want to burn a witch he claims, “she turned me into a newt.”  Then, since he is obviously human he adds with a goofy smirk, “I got better.”  Whenever I do get better from something I hear that character’s voice in my head.  My back is doing better.  I have realized that a lot of the pain was coming from my glutes and hamstrings.  Nevertheless, my back was seriously messed up and until about two days ago I was wondering when it would improve.

Despite the pain and the spasms I continued to work out – at a much, much lighter level.  I stabilized my back and did a lot of upper body stuff and smooth cardio.  The gym has a Cybex elliptical that is so smooth I can’t tell if I’m moving forwards or backwards.  It is awesome!  I also did walk in the therapy pool.  I had to spend a couple of hours sewing up a tear on my new swimsuit.  The last time I used it at the club I put it into that spin-dryer.  Since it is a larger size it got all twisted up on the machine and I had to rip it out of there.  It was a brand-new suit and so I was determined to stitch it back together so that I could get my money’s worth out of it.  My mending job makes it look like some Frankenstein thing.  Anyway, I managed to salvage it and use it!  I also kept up with the ice and heat therapy at home.  I continued to take anti-inflammatory meds – but not the prescription.  I forced myself to keep active after brief periods of resting.  The result is that I’m doing a lot better.

Today I had a one hour swedish massage at a little spa in the downtown area.  The newspaper kids gave me a gift certificate there and I couldn’t imagine a better time to use it!  Wow, this was just what I needed.  The therapist found all of my knots and sore spots.  She spent a lot of time on my back, shoulders, and legs.  When she asked me to flip over I could barely move – that was because I was so relaxed.  The lavender aroma-therapy oil also helped to soothe away my tension.  I could really get used to such luxury, too bad my bank account can’t.  One thing that I wish I could take better advantage of is that foot massage.  Once, when I had visited San Francisco’s Chinatown I found a reflexology place.  I don’t know what they did to my feet, but it took an hour and I never had happier feet!  The massage today included some work on my feet.  That really helped me relax and feel better.  I will research online and see what other places in the vicinity might have reflexology.  I’d like to do that.

I would also like to re-visit accupuncture.  I did a series of treatments a little over a year ago.  It was too expensive to keep up, but it was awesome!  I could feel the chi responding to it; I also became aware of listening/feeling my body.  I am admitedly a needle-phob.  It takes a lot of mental prep to get me in to the lab for bloodwork.  So the idea of me laying on a table with needles sticking in me was pretty overwhelming at first.  But these needles are totally easy to handle.  They are tiny and flexible.  Sometimes I didn’t even feel them going in.  It turned out to be a very relaxing and rejuvinating experience.  The worst part was when I would feel chilly.  Anyway, the cost was my main hang up.  Scheduling time for the weekly sessions was also tough.  Once things got too crazy with my time and finances it was the treats like accupuncture that had to go.  I do think that it is extremely helpful for combating the chronic pain of R.A.  There are a lot of other things that it can help – which I read up on  – but, for me, the almost instant relief from joint pain was the deal maker.

So to add to my wonderful debt, I bought a Wii.  I’m not sure if I’m keeping it yet.  I’ve been wanting to get one for a long time.  Since I like the idea of interactive play, this seems to be a justifiable purchase.  I am thinking of taking it back because I can’t afford it.  I also can’t believe that I can drop the weight I need to drop and get my health to where it needs to be by playing video games.  That is a lot of money to gamble with on that notion.  I once bought a PS2 and barely even played it because I’m just not good at video games.  I’m already annoyed with the tennis games because I’m standing up and swinging like I would if I was actually hitting a ball and it messes up the shot and I end up hitting the net or hitting wide.  I almost just have to wrist the shots to make them go in.  I have one more week to figure out if I’ll keep the Wii or not.  Maybe I can see if my health insurance will pick it up.  Just kidding.

And regarding that whole health care issue: the government initiative thing.  I wish that I could understand the concept better.  I’m smart and I feel like I can wrap my mind around complex stuff – but, this gets me confused.  At times I think that one fair government-based health plan might be a good thing;  but then on the flip side I can not deny that we have an amazing state-of-the-art medical system that has thrived on competition and the capitalistic nature of our society.  We have “The Best” because we have created a market where one can buy the best.  If we level that field, then I’m not sure what will happen.  It is extremely complicated.  I’m glad to see that really smart people are at work on the problem.  I’m not sure what is really going to work to convince me one way or the other.  I fell asleep during the press conference – I was tired from working out.  I also can sense a lot of spin from the ultra-conservative side of the media.  I’m not liberal and I’m not conservative.  I guess I try to be ethical and educated when I feel a tug of war in things where my one little opinion is supposed to matter.  That is why I can’t say what I think.  Is re-vamping the system smart?  Not sure….Is it ethical?  Not clear.  So, for someone like me with a life-long battle ahead combating a disease that will spawn other medical conditions where I will want the very best care from the most adept and highly qualified doctors that benefit from cutting-edge advancements at pristine facilities paid in part from an insurance policy that I’ve worked hard to earn by getting my higher education and certificates and by paying into the benefits that my career allows me to enjoy….well, I guess, I’m just not so sure about this.  I guess I just want to see and know that I can be taken care of by the best.  But, at the same time, I want that for my fellow citizens too (as that is ethical).  The whole thing feels like a catch-22.

So what can I learn from this?  1. I got better.  2. I value alternative medicine and wish that I could afford to keep up with it.  3. I’m skeptical about the Wii actually keeping me motivated and on track (but that is all about me and nothing that an eletronic device can combat).  4. I can’t sort out the reality of our country’s health care dilema.  5. I’m way to wordy.

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I’m currently reading:

The Sacred Balance by David Suzuki