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So my Mom is having another operation.  This time it is a fusion on the Lumbar spine.  Due to her RA she has worn down the discs and now there is nothing left for pain management other than to fuse the spine.  This is happening the first week of April and my family has already turned to me to ask if I can take care of her through (at least) the first week of recovery.  I’m not thrilled to do this as it really does fall to me for my single-ness and location.  It isn’t that I don’t want to be a good daughter, but that is asking a lot for someone who is already dealing with a lot of stuff of her own.  

She has been down the Vicodin like jellybeans.  I know that they will have on that the first couple of weeks.  She can get very snarly taking that.  She is snarly in general.  I am not trying to be selfish, but I need to establish some boundaries with her.  I don’t think that I can live there.  I will commute.  I also need to be able to teach my tennis too.  That helps to supplement the income – which is already low.  I have plenty of things that I am dealing with too, and income is an essential part of my stability.  I just wonder what they would do if I wasn’t here to do this?  Would they hire an actual at-home nurse?  I would hope so.  I mean she is going to be in bad shape…like needing help wiping her butt and bathing bad shape.  

Is this something that I can psychologically endure?  I know plenty of families take care of one another like this day in and day out.  I want to be a good person, like those people that I admire and wonder at how they do that.  The main issue is the constant stress that my Mom is in my life.  We have always had a traumatized relationship.  She can be so passive-aggressive and act completely helpless when she is actually more capable.

Right now I’m in pretty intense therapy for a mental breakdown that I had over two months ago.  I was in an all-day outpatient hospital program.  I’m still attending it, but 1/2 days now.  There is no doubt that going to my parents’ home each day will be trying on me.  I’m now done with this.  It simply is what it is: Shoganai.  

In the meantime, I was cleaning out my garage in order to get to my cross collection.  I think I may have broken some crosses in my attempt to move the container, however, I wanted to dig those out and put them up in my house in order to balance out the Buddhas.  At the moment that I walked in the house and popped on the TV, there was the breaking news of the white smoke coming from the chimney of the Sistine Chapel.  So we have a new Pope – and that happened while I was looking for my crosses – strange, right?  The pomp of all of this is really pretty amazing.  There are so many things happening on TV that I’m wrapping this up so that I can watch history being made.

March 2013
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The Sacred Balance by David Suzuki