Have you ever experienced something that you can not explain or really understand?  I’m not sure how to begin to write this entry as this whole blog is supposed to be about R.A.  This particular entry will be about spirituality.  I am not an expert of this in any way, but I do feel like I have read a lot of books while researching my way through a long and worthwhile quest.  When I was first diagnosed with R.A. it felt like the whole possibility of my life vanish.  I know that is overly dramatic wording, but with over thirty years of watching my mother deal with this disease, I feel, at times, like I am looking into a crystal ball.  There have been so many instances when my mom has experienced something medical and I’ve promised myself, “I will never….” fill in the blank.  As I’ve gotten older, the similarities are completely frustrating.  And in that frustration I allowed darkness to swallow me.  I turned away from hope, positive thinking, and even God.  I wasn’t like that was a decision I made consciously in one moment, but something that took place gradually over time.  I stopped going to church, I stopped praying at night, I stopped thinking about anything good.  As with depression, a cloud of gloom settled over me and I saw a future where I would suffer this all on my own, growing into an old, crippled spinster with no spouse or children to help to take care of me.  I would be forgotten, and my fate was sealed that I would not ever see old age anyway.  I had a heart condition to help me to the grave even faster.  So, obsessed with death, I disconnected from everything.  I slipped into to gluttony and sloth.  I slid into despair.  My wrists hurt, the headaches throbbed, and I was tired all the time.  This felt like a trap because I was trapped.

I remember thinking that if I could try to be spiritual that would feel good.  Just three or four years before this point I had been so spiritual.  I was meditating at Buddhist temples, going to church, and feeling that I was safe because I was never alone.  I had angels and God with me as I made my way on the earth.  I had profound thoughts about grand things.  I was excited about my life.  I worked out, traveled, wrote, and enjoyed a healthy social life.

June 13th 2010….I never finished this post.  School started, work was crazy, and now school has ended.  I will pick up the blog again as I get ready for some rather important life-changing stuff to happen this summer.  More to come……soon!

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